this thing people call fate

I think I can finally conclude that there isn't such thing as fate, or destiny. It's whatever path you decide to take as opposed to whatever path you're directed towards by some unknown force. Let's face it. How many times have we gone through the whole "ooooh soulmate", "ooooh childhood friend, definitely soulmate", "ooooh, another time and another place and we would not have met" only to wake up to hard reality afterwards? It's only a fairy tale for the first bit (like in those movies), but what happens after the credits start to roll? You can meet your soulmate so many times, in so many people, depending on who you are, or where you are at that point in your life. So, it's not a matter of having that one soulmate, it's a matter of happening upon someone you're compatible with for that stretch of time, then seeing if what you have can last through the next period of transitioning. I think once we start realizing that, we can start letting go of the past and all these feelings of "lost love", "missed opportunities", and "he/she was the one", "he/she broke my heart". The reality is this - Yeah, he/she broke your heart. So what? While you are stuck mourning and lost in something you can't even begin to explain because whatever answers you want are trapped in the mind of someone you don't even speak to anymore, they're off enjoying their life - without you. So let's live realistically in the present then - be excited for who you're going to meet next and give them all of the attention and affection they deserve. Right here and now isn't a history of sadness and baggage, of things you've always known, just a future of uncertainty and possibility, waiting to happen if you would just be willing to give it a chance.

it's been a year

It's been a year, and I keep thinking that I've almost forgotten. Clearly I haven't though. Every now and then the pieces keep coming back. With 5 days left until the completion of this degree, I'm thinking back to the beginning of this degree, the moment when I was on the brink of tears, trying to figure out whether or not I could leave everything behind and go to school in a new country. It was 5 in the morning, sitting in his car, my hand in his, my clipboard of pros and cons splayed across my lap, hysterically listing off numbers, figures, locations, monthly grocery budgets. He told me to put the lists away and quietly said, "it's what you wanted all along. It was very obvious to me from the start, I don't understand why it took you so long to see that." We stayed out all night for countless nights that summer, counting cricket chirps in the car, spying on the neighbours from our quiet sanctuary, talking, laughing, doing what ever young lovers high off a summer romance like to do. It lasts through phone calls, of quiet, subtle reminders, nervous glances, comfortable familiarity. It ends when you wake up in the morning and it's time to go - the spell's been broken, because we all know what it feels like, there are those hours in the dead of the night when it chokes you, this lingering, briefly nostalgic, chilling desparate feeling of intimacy. Whether real or imagined, whether you hold it in your arms or you dream of it, in those brief hours in the dead of the night, they become a reality for you. But as you look over to the figure sleeping beside you in the morning light, all of the imagined intimacy fades, all you can hear is good bye, farewell - a long time ago, we used to be friends.

Point of indifference

"I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the grains of sand on the beach." To this I answered, "I don't care".

If you love something, let it go...

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be...

As a firm believer in the power of human free will, I couldn't understand the deep meaning behind this beautiful quote. How can you let go something and especially someone you truly love? Someone who became part of yourself, whose pain and baggage became your own - that's how much you care about him. I firmly believed that when you work hard and fight for your happiness, eventually you will get it and all your dreams will come true. Just be patient and diligent - it will pay off. "This should definitely work when it comes to relationships", - I thought. If you care a lot about a person, be there for him when he needs you, give him space from time to time and, what's more important, step out of your comfort zone and change for the better to make him happy - he will appreciate it and be yours forever. But apparently I was wrong. This philosophy doesn't apply in all situations. Any relationship is a two-way street. If a person doesn't feel the same way or his feelings withered away, you can't force him to be with you. No matter how hard you try. So just let him go. Don't wait, close this chapter of your life for now, let the person open it if it means to be.

This is what it's like

Oh, I see it now; I get it now. This is how it's supposed to feel. You're supposed to feel loved, you're supposed to feel special. Sure it's fun to sneak around the city at night, stealing kisses in dark alleys, one-way street corners, rooftops, empty hallways, backseat of your car, anywhere vacated. But in the daylight he's so ashamed of your secret affair that he can't bear to hold your hand, nor look you in the eye; it's like you're strangers around others - if you're strangers in the daytime, might as well be strangers in the night as well. He's supposed to call you back when he says he will. He's supposed to feel proud saying your name. He's supposed to be excited to introduce you to his friends. He's supposed to want to see you and make plans without you having to ask. He's supposed to want to see you in the daytime as often as he wants to see you in the dead of the night. This is what it's like to be treated well. That bubbly, excited, warm feeling - this is what we all deserve.

No... no date

"Oooooh! You guys are going on a date?!! Are you waiting for him??" his friend asks. She saw us sitting together as she came up the stairs with a group of her friends. I received the same set of questions from the group of her friends while he was off talking to somebody else. Unfortunately we had been in the middle of a discussion regarding the likely, inevitable, upcoming, and imminent termination of our fourteen year friendship when she came up the stairs.

Just for us

It's been a year, and I nearly forgot about April 22nd. I forgot that I kept that Go-Train ticket from that night I finished my dissertation and took the last bus home to meet you for dinner. I can still remember that view from the top of the building - it was breathtaking. We snuck up onto the rooftop after hours and just stood there, silently appreciating the bustling city from our private sanctuary. Yes, this might have been a special place to you, but this is the only place you've ever known, the only place you've ever built your life. In this big city, you have nowhere else, no one else who knows your name. So let's be real and face it - you take every girl you date here. That's alright though. I'll pretend that on that night, that place was especially just for us.

We both know

Not to brag, but let's talk about this straight then. Let's be honest. If we're going to do this, go for the real deal, complete with the labels, the obligations, the responsibilities, the caring, the boundaries, "really do this", I'll say to you, I'm probably going to give it 100% and more. When you need me to be there, I'll be there. I'll stand by your side. You need me to stay with you until the sun rises, I'll wait, I'll keep you company. But let me also tell you this. Before we begin, I know I'm going to give it this much and more, so I'd much rather not. We both know how this is going to end. It'll save me the trouble of regretting it later on when you don't reciprocate with the same level of commitment. It'll save us the trouble of wrecking this friendship.

Open to

"so would you be open to the idea of falling in love with someone in London?" That was definitely a loaded question. When you don't really stay in one place for more than a year, is it really worth it to lay down the foundation and build something up from the ground, just to have to tear it down when you leave?

Three Days

My brother once told me that all it took was one conversation, one sentence, one gesture, and he would know if he could fall in love with you.

And he loved her for years, and they were happy together even if they don't talk anymore now.

Now, I'm a little more cautious than he is. The night before I left for the airport, he told me I was too ironic for love. I take too long to fall and miss the opportunity to; I over think it. So I missed my chance awhile ago when I got on that plane, and now we don't talk anymore.

But all it took was three days.

It was that smile, or that chuckle as I walked the wrong way when we were walking in the city. It was with the clinking of our wine glasses as he told me about his father and that girl he used to know. It was those jazzy chords on the keyboard and the soundtrack to 2 AM.

It was the kindness and the vulnerability.

And all I needed to see, I found in one conversation.

Fire and Ice - Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

I dare you to

I dared you to hug the penguin statue, and you dared me to sit on the elephant.

We discovered a secret passage under the desks at the library and crawled through the tunnel like explorers. It didn't really lead anywhere, but we couldn't stop laughing.

Maybe you think I have childish tendencies, and maybe I think you're naive, but that's all right because the conversation never ceases to flow.

First date?

I wasn't sure exactly what it was, if it was just a casual hang out between friends or something more. Dinner and playing tunes on his guitar - I might have wished it was more, but in any case I missed the last train home.

Yes, I was definitely not expecting that at all.

Last Year

Last year on this night, you called out my name in a dark club.

I turned around and you were wearing those ridiculous 3D glasses, a lavender dress shirt, and a black vest. I didn't recognize you at first, and it was such a coincidence that we had run into each other in this particular club, during this particular weekend, in this particular city. We danced for a bit to LMFAO's "Shots", and then went downstairs to catch up.

I don't know why, but I sent you a text telling you that it was great running into you, and I knew you never respond to texts because you don't have a texting plan, but you responded to this one, and we met up 3 hours later.

Last year on this night, we walked through the streets of a strange city at 4 AM, and returned to my hotel lobby. Between the laughter and familiar jokes, you reached for my hand and enclosed your fingers around mine. I've let go of other hands before, but I held on tight to yours. We sat in the hallway all night talking about familiar memories and places, just in a different light.

Last year on this night, between the laughter and the jokes, I wished so hard that you would kiss me. So you told me you had an urge to kiss me, and then you did.

Last year on this night, you asked me what was going to happen after, and for a split second, I almost wished that you wanted to be with me. Morning came and you didn't want to leave, but you had to go to catch your flight home.

This year on this night, I thought about you and all of the laughter and moments from that night. After our last conversation in the same time zone, I have stayed away from the positive thoughts surrounding our moments together as to forget they, or you, existed at all.

But this particular night makes me soften a little.

This year on this night, I have entertained the thought of writing a heartfelt, caring letter to you, as I know you've been through some ups and downs lately. I entertain the thought of being the first to reach out after this long winter, this long silence. I have thought about being the first to cross no-man's land and extend this proposition of a treaty.

But I don't. Because this year on this night, I remind myself that you broke my heart.

Midnight in Brick Lane

"Hey, sorry, we went home first. Our friend lost her phone, so we're going to go look for it. Get home safely. Oh, and by the way; you should kiss her," he reads out loud.

He pretends I didn't hear that and we go find the bagel store at 2 AM in Brick Lane.

Best of luck

I never imagined that one day we'd be talking about pharmaceutical or health economics.

From high school sweethearts, walking around in the supermarket talking about Kraft Dinner to discussing student politics at this moment in time.

It never really occurs to you - people enter and leave your life all the time, on a daily basis. You recall saying those very words: You never wanted to speak to this person ever again. But let's take it forward to 6 years later.

I'm grateful, especially when he apologizes for what's happened in the past.

In all honesty

I've spent years dancing around every possible romantic entanglement through using a diverse selection of excuses, pretending that "casual", "fling", and "nothing serious" appear regularly in the vocabulary I use when discussing the matters of my heart.

But when every encounter that starts off as "I'm not looking for a relationship, that's not what I want" ends off with the realization that you had desired the complete opposite, you conclude with a necessity for honesty - not only to whomever you're involved with, but more importantly, to yourself.

Because someone broke my heart

There are times when I could stand on a mountain and bellow as loudly as I can into the roaring wind.

There are times when I could hold back a tidal wave with just one flick of my outstretched hand.

There are times when I could move tectonic plates with just one quick tap of my foot.

There are times when I could race through the Alps without a single care on my mind.

But there is a time when all I can do is lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, waiting for the day to pass.

This is when someone breaks my heart.

"That's not a fling. That's your soul mate."

"I've been seeing someone new lately."


This is where it starts.

Rational thought takes the wheel again. You left on a plane three months ago and built up these irrational fantasies in your head of an ideal world where romance and fairy tale endings occur. A seven-hour plane ride, an ocean divide, a five-hour time difference, a hasty "I can't do this" at the airport didn't seem to shake the hope from your mind.

But you know why you held onto hope - a few simple words: "who knows how we'll be in 3 months?". You held onto the what ifs. At the airport, you had pulled out the letter that had been hastily handed to you, and you just read it in silence, smiling at the comical parts, and tearing up at the sentimental parts. So you waited - holding onto the 0.00001% hope that it would work out, that he would be waiting too.

Whenever I think about this story, I always call it my summer fling. But they say that a relationship is friendship set on fire - and when I throw in the detail of our fourteen-year friendship, I always get the same response - "That's not a fling. That's your soul mate."

But that was far from the truth; I just always naively hoped it was reality.

While I was busy mapping out y=x, starting from day 1, he was just trying to navigate y=sin(x).

During that summer, we were hopeless romantics with grand delusions of a "great love", an "irreplaceable connection", and yearning for a "deeper relationship". These things allowed us to wear those rose-coloured glasses and dress up what shaky foundation we had blindly built to be much more than it actually was - we were just two kids experimenting with shiny new toys.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I'd like to think this only occurs if the heart was actually fond in the first place. So I've taken off the rose-coloured glasses for now and put them aside.

It's such a waste, but when you look into those same eyes and you can't see what you've always seen for the past fourteen years, it ends with, "I don't think that we can be friends."