The things we can't do

Revisiting your past and trying to see it in a different light. I think that's something I just can't do. No matter how many times I try to dress up a sewer - in gold, in sapphire, in diamonds and in silk, it will always just be, a sewer.

One drunken night I messaged him thinking that I was ready to be friends again. I asked to meet up to catch up like old times, before it all happened.

I didn't expect him to respond, nor agree, but he did. I felt trapped. I didn't know what to do, so I procrastinated, like I always do. The night before we were supposed to meet, I chickened out. I cancelled. I panicked and then I started to regret cancelling - what a rude thing to do.

Then I remembered that cancelling on him probably didn't even make a dent upon what he did to me anyway, so why fret?

If you aren't ready to move forward, then don't. Take your time; take a moment to accept the past and see it as it really was. Don't try to dress it up, hide from it, or make it disappear. It happened. It was reality.

The things that we drag on

He apologized. After all this time he apologized. He acknowledged that he may very well be the last person I wanted to receive a message from. He gave me an opportunity to scream, shout, and curse at him.

But I didn't.

I kept it all in and replied in a civilized manner - I thanked him for the gesture, but it came as too little, too late. Had he had all those epiphanies a year ago, we wouldn't be in this position today.

In a way I resented him for attempting to relieve himself of a burden I had secretly hoped he would carry with him for the rest of his life - he did that very thing to his own friend. It's not like I had ever really forgotten about it. Like a penguin encountering the submerged portion of an iceberg during a swim, I just simply avoided it. But like the iceberg, avoiding it doesn't mean that it's not there. I think from time to time and it constantly reminds me how dangerous it is to let down my guard.

How can I ever really let it go? He apologized, and now he can let go of everything, he can get the fresh start he was hoping for. He can tell the next girl: "I was immature and naive, and I treated someone else poorly before. Now I know better and I'm ready to treat you well, it's what you deserve."

As for me, it will always remain there, it will always be hiding away in some dark corner with the rest of the skeletons in the back of my mind. And like every person who has been hurt before, it stays with you - a feeble apology doesn't erase what happened. Those times don't suddenly become better, and as a result, you have become harder, you make sure you never get hurt like that again.

Sometimes I wish he never apologized.

I liked the shit out of you

"I liked the SHIT out of you!" - he exclaimed yesterday trying to convince me that that "thing" between us was something special for him and I wasn't one of his "temporary girls". At that moment I felt nothing but the hollowness, but today when I looked back, I found it amusing that he used those words to try to convince me and make me feel better. Seriously?

The One

My elementary/middle/high school bff asked me today out of the blue: "Hypothetically... How would you feel when you met someone and you know that he is the one and you want to spend with him your whole life?" I was really surprised to hear him ask me this question. Although we have been friends for over 15 years, we never discussed anything related to romantic relationships; we were always just "bros" who talked about soccer, music, movies and pranked our friends. I didn't know how to explain to him my views, as he has never been in a relationship and he claimed that he has never been in love. However, I gave it a shot and described him how I felt about the last guy I dated: "With that person I am not ashamed of being myself... I feel comfortable being who I am as I know that he loves me the way I am with all my awkwardness and flaws. I also know that he will always be there for me no matter what. Even if he is mad at me for some reason, he will keep it in the back of his mind and show up when I need help and support. Lastly, I know he is "the one" if I care about his successes and failures as if they are my own." My friend smiled at me and said: "That's cute. I got it."