this thing people call fate

I think I can finally conclude that there isn't such thing as fate, or destiny. It's whatever path you decide to take as opposed to whatever path you're directed towards by some unknown force. Let's face it. How many times have we gone through the whole "ooooh soulmate", "ooooh childhood friend, definitely soulmate", "ooooh, another time and another place and we would not have met" only to wake up to hard reality afterwards? It's only a fairy tale for the first bit (like in those movies), but what happens after the credits start to roll? You can meet your soulmate so many times, in so many people, depending on who you are, or where you are at that point in your life. So, it's not a matter of having that one soulmate, it's a matter of happening upon someone you're compatible with for that stretch of time, then seeing if what you have can last through the next period of transitioning. I think once we start realizing that, we can start letting go of the past and all these feelings of "lost love", "missed opportunities", and "he/she was the one", "he/she broke my heart". The reality is this - Yeah, he/she broke your heart. So what? While you are stuck mourning and lost in something you can't even begin to explain because whatever answers you want are trapped in the mind of someone you don't even speak to anymore, they're off enjoying their life - without you. So let's live realistically in the present then - be excited for who you're going to meet next and give them all of the attention and affection they deserve. Right here and now isn't a history of sadness and baggage, of things you've always known, just a future of uncertainty and possibility, waiting to happen if you would just be willing to give it a chance.

it's been a year

It's been a year, and I keep thinking that I've almost forgotten. Clearly I haven't though. Every now and then the pieces keep coming back. With 5 days left until the completion of this degree, I'm thinking back to the beginning of this degree, the moment when I was on the brink of tears, trying to figure out whether or not I could leave everything behind and go to school in a new country. It was 5 in the morning, sitting in his car, my hand in his, my clipboard of pros and cons splayed across my lap, hysterically listing off numbers, figures, locations, monthly grocery budgets. He told me to put the lists away and quietly said, "it's what you wanted all along. It was very obvious to me from the start, I don't understand why it took you so long to see that." We stayed out all night for countless nights that summer, counting cricket chirps in the car, spying on the neighbours from our quiet sanctuary, talking, laughing, doing what ever young lovers high off a summer romance like to do. It lasts through phone calls, of quiet, subtle reminders, nervous glances, comfortable familiarity. It ends when you wake up in the morning and it's time to go - the spell's been broken, because we all know what it feels like, there are those hours in the dead of the night when it chokes you, this lingering, briefly nostalgic, chilling desparate feeling of intimacy. Whether real or imagined, whether you hold it in your arms or you dream of it, in those brief hours in the dead of the night, they become a reality for you. But as you look over to the figure sleeping beside you in the morning light, all of the imagined intimacy fades, all you can hear is good bye, farewell - a long time ago, we used to be friends.

Point of indifference

"I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the grains of sand on the beach." To this I answered, "I don't care".