Long distance

don't kid yourself - it never works out.

Have you ever wanted to confess your feelings without expecting any reciprocity? Your yearn to throw at him all the most cliche nonsense any enamored person would say to her beloved one: that you care about him so much it hurts, that he is the best thing that ever happened to you, that you never felt so yourself around anyone else and that you would do anything to give him the whole world because he deserves it, no less... You want to tell him all of the above and then run away. You have so much more to say but you just can't say it... Not because you're scared, but because all these words are too flimsy and cannot express other feelings that are embedded in your mind - guilt and regret. 

You want to tell him that you are sorry. You are sorry that you were so far lost in your past that you missed out on such an incredible person, a person who was there for you when you were trying to reassemble your heart just to give it away to another person to break it again. You are sorry because you misinterpreted all his efforts to cheer you up as a friendly gesture or just an act of sympathy and failed to recognize the depth of his concern. You are sorry because he has been a shoulder for you to cry on, a listening ear to the never-ending stories of your heartbreaks, while you were putting him through exactly the same hardships you have been venting to him about... He raised you up and gave you faith in people's sincerity and selflessness, he pushed you to continue pursuing your dream and almost lost his. You are sorry that you woke up too late and you would do anything to turn it around and earn him back. Losing him is the biggest and the only regret you ever experienced in your life.

You yearn to tell him that you finally opened your eyes and that you would make it up for the time wasted and you would do everything possible to deserve him. But every time you see him during your rare coffee catch-ups, you push your feelings aside and keep them to yourself. Because you know that such a great person deserves someone so much better... He needs someone who will recognize his incredible personality and selflessness from the beginning and fall in love with him the way he deserves.

We're going to be all right after all

"No offence, it's like you didn't want to talk." I mean, it is a bit awkward, or can be a bit awkward when you haven't really talked to/seen somebody in over two years. In another drunken stupor, I asked to see him again for dinner.

This time I didn't cancel. This time I followed through. He was on time - he never used to be on time, and there would be days when I was waiting half an hour for him to show up. He gave me the tightest hug when I showed up.

We fell back into our comfortable ways - both were cautious at first, but soon we let our guard down and were talking and joking like the old days. It felt strangely eerie and sad.

Needless to say, I got my closure; not from an official conversation, an apology, or from any other usual method that one gets closure from, but simply from seeing that our friendship could be salvaged. We were going to be all right after all.